Loving ME

Loving me - what a concept. I get so down on myself every day for not being the person that I know I can be.....for not being all can be.

It seems that once I was on top of the world. And, I loved life. I promised myself I would never become one of those bitter people. You know the type, the 45 year old woman who goes on about how men suck....all men suck......and how unhappy she is...and how unfair life is.....and no matter what you say to this person - they are going to be unhappy.

Well, guess what I've become - that bitter person.

When I was younger, in my 20's and 30's, I was always open to taking risk, trying new things, even if I thought I couldn't, I would try. Looking back, there are so many experience I would not have had, if I did not have an open mind and be willing to take risks. But then, again, there's so many things (a secure career for one) that I would have, if I had not been so fighty and taken risks.

I find myself now, age 45 - unemployed. I find myself now - in a relationship with someone -I'm not so sure I should be in one with. I find myself - not knowing ME. And not knowing where to turn, what to do, who to ask. I find myself.....like right now.....trying to figure out a way to meet others - not so much in person - but to get a feel for what others think, feel - I don't even exactly know.......all I do know is there is so much I am uncertain of right now.....that I sure could use a little insight from others....who have been there or are going through similar experiences.........

there are so many things I want to change about myself and my life.....but I don't know how.....and then, I can't help but wonder.....do I really want to change.....which, I am pretty sure the answer is yes.....but if I want to change so bad.....then, how come I stay the way I am.......?????????

METH addiction - there we go.....let's just throw that one right on out there in front ....because that is a biggie.........addiction.......what a fucking something.....i don't even know what to call it....except maybe ....my best friend, my worst enemy, the one who wakes me up in the morn, gives me umph.....the one who depresses me......the one i want to be with......the one i want to be without...........

can't seem to live with and can't seem to live without it.........it runs and ruins my life........basically the reason i am unemployed right now......oh, i have many skills, i type pretty fast, accurately too........

i had something happen in my life in 2004 - a death - I didn't take very well, i took using to a whole new level.....i just wanted to forget everything....a lot of other things happened between my mother and me......and custody of my child.........................and instead of straightening up.....i went more downhill.................................i was scared.....i didnt know what to do......and the new guy i hooked up.............who i thought was on my side.................he wasnt ................he was only interested in the money i had acquired from the death in my family.......................i found this out when "we" had gone through all the money, had nothing left.,..............and i went to rehab (my only hope"............of course, he wasn t there for me when i got out.................and he had been very busy while i had been in rehab..........pawning all my stuff before i got out..................

anyways, this is not meant to be a whining ..........i guess i am just looking for answers. the addiction thing has got me down. yesterday, however, I did go check out this clinical trials thing for a new drug to stop the cravings........i am hoping it will help me.....

i do want to be different...................so many people i know that say.....i like using...why would i want to stop...........well, i "used" to like using.....why would i want to stop????? so, i could get/keep a job.........so "I" could be in control of my sleeping times............so I could get up in the morning and do what I need to do ...................and not HAVE TO HAVE DOPE just to get up.........so I would not have to live day to day (money) .....have some security(money-savings).......................so my kids could look me in the eyes and be happy I was doing better........oh, so many reasons..........

so i could look at myself in the mirror and smile.......

I am going to be able to do that soon........i will. I got involved with this guy - about a year ago.....he looked and seemed like a nice guy - and he is..........problem.....he does meth too........of course, we hooked up.........

speaking of meth so much.......i think i'll go smoke a little.......now, that's sad, isn't it?