Hating ME!!!!

Today, right now......this minute...... i hate me!!!! i try to be positive and say all these things that i know i mean and i feel so good and positive, thinking they are all true.....and then I feel like this.......like shit.......i do stupid things.......i went to my appt. with the clinical trials people - it goes well.......afterward....what will i do???? i hardly ever have the car (me and my boyfriend share) - should i get my nails done....go look at the thrift store......or maybe i'll go to the gameroom.......yeah, just for abit.........$120 later.......i'm broke.......i hate those places !!!!!!! i've been strong for the past few days.........then, of course, i have to get my fix.

if i were an outsider looking in, i would just shake my head......or actually, what i would do, is get on my high horse and just have to write a message and talk about having responsibility and isnt it time to grow up....and don't sit there and whine and act like ....blah ....blah....blah.....

so, then i came home.......and my boyfriend wanted $10 .....of the $100 he gave me earlier.......and, of course, there you go......i had to tell him of the stupid thing i did. now, why did i do that???? i'm always getting on to him about wasting money at the gameroom - just last night i gave him the lecture.........and usually i dont go in the gameroom except for the $10 i am going to spend.....otherwise, this happens.

what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to fuck up everything i have, everything i do, everything i am. i know better and i do it anyways. really, shit, i can't even seem to blog........i've been writing and sharing all this shit.....about being fucking addicted.....and I cant even obviously send it out to get any responses or anything else....what there are millions of people out there and i can't even find a fucking friend or someone to talk to out of all the thousands of people...........

i hate me right now.....i really do......i really do.....starting to feel stupid, worthless and stupid........

where's my backbone????? i have none.

why do i do the things i do????? i just don't understand....i really don't. my nails still look like shit......i could have had them done and here i am........;i must get fucking something out of it......or else why do i keep my screwing up.....

i want to blame it on everything else.......i could try.......maybe the fact that i was annoyed because my boyfriend did come home early so i could go to my treatment, and, i knew when i left, on would come the t.v. with the porn......we just got our cable bill $500....over $100 in porn flicks..........that he doesnt watch with me........and it hurts me.....it really does.....

he was hardly ever home.....til this week....all the sudden, he is starting to be home alot......it's weird.......he was always "at work", working late, leaving early (yes, i know what those are signs of)....and i am usually always crying over stuff he's done.........leaving me stuck here all day without a car....then getting home late....then being broke when he should have money......and i finally quit whining and crying so much and complaining.......i think he found an email i wrote to my cousin.......i asked her where i could go to chat.......that i get so lonely being here all alone all the time.....waiting on him...and he is always getting home late....usually not even calling........

and then we had been getting into these huge fights.....i'm breaking stuff....because i get so frustrated with him.....i keep trying because he keeps insisting that he loves me and i'm the only one and all this stuff......and i keep believing him.....anyways......i feel like i'm whining........and i am .......i dont' like to write this for everyone to see.......but then again, i feel like, this is really my life....and i'm embarassed.....it shouldn't be like this.....i know it shouldn't.......i know i shouldn't put up with "Tim" (boyfriend) - his crap.........but i do....i almost have to.....i depend on him......i'm not working.......and i want to say i love him but i feel so stupid....saying that........because i know that i'm not really sure of that.........i mean, that can't be love.......the way he does me, leaving me here - all day - not calling.....then always.....i mean, always some big excuse.......i would never do him the way he does me........

i'm scared. i think that what it is......because i realize tim is not who i thought he was. and its like i learned in Nexus......UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS......Why do i expect so much from him when all along, he has shown me who he is.......and i want to play like he is someone else....like what is happening ...is not happening.......i am constantly lying to my family about where he is....because i don't want them to know.....he isn't home yet AGAIN.

Dear God, please help me.......please help me to face these problems.....please help me to find some support.....please help me to make good decisions. and please help me to be thankful....for i know, even though i feel i am nowhere......i am blessed in many ways.