Good bye, ms. positivitey....fuck that!!!! White trash spirit is taking over my body.........ass wipe boyfriend (yeap, white trash spirit got me good this time).......comes up yelling and bitching at me because i wouldn't answer phone when he called.....fuck, why even get out of bed?????? i had an appointment today at 12:00 ....at the clinical trials place.....he got home at 12:00 noon....too late for my appt.......so what....the only hope i have right now in my life.........maybe they can help me there....and now, its gone.... i know ....being all dramatic but really, i was counting on that to help me.......and he just blows it all for me......
that is what is wrong with depending on someone else......and i have no car, no job, no place to live so i have to depend solely on him....don't have to ...i guess, i just do......i sit and watch my live go by and by, and suck and suck, and get deeper and deeper in my whole.....and i give him the power to control it and he does.
so, here i am with my life just going down the drain.....and me going down with it.
today, right now.....i know i'm headed for disaster.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Hating ME!!!!
Today, right now......this minute...... i hate me!!!! i try to be positive and say all these things that i know i mean and i feel so good and positive, thinking they are all true.....and then I feel like this.......like shit.......i do stupid things.......i went to my appt. with the clinical trials people - it goes well.......afterward....what will i do???? i hardly ever have the car (me and my boyfriend share) - should i get my nails done....go look at the thrift store......or maybe i'll go to the gameroom.......yeah, just for abit.........$120 later.......i'm broke.......i hate those places !!!!!!! i've been strong for the past few days.........then, of course, i have to get my fix.
if i were an outsider looking in, i would just shake my head......or actually, what i would do, is get on my high horse and just have to write a message and talk about having responsibility and isnt it time to grow up....and don't sit there and whine and act like ....blah ....blah....blah.....
so, then i came home.......and my boyfriend wanted $10 .....of the $100 he gave me earlier.......and, of course, there you go......i had to tell him of the stupid thing i did. now, why did i do that???? i'm always getting on to him about wasting money at the gameroom - just last night i gave him the lecture.........and usually i dont go in the gameroom except for the $10 i am going to spend.....otherwise, this happens.
what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to fuck up everything i have, everything i do, everything i am. i know better and i do it anyways. really, shit, i can't even seem to blog........i've been writing and sharing all this shit.....about being fucking addicted.....and I cant even obviously send it out to get any responses or anything else....what there are millions of people out there and i can't even find a fucking friend or someone to talk to out of all the thousands of people...........
i hate me right now.....i really do......i really do.....starting to feel stupid, worthless and stupid........
where's my backbone????? i have none.
why do i do the things i do????? i just don't understand....i really don't. my nails still look like shit......i could have had them done and here i am........;i must get fucking something out of it......or else why do i keep my screwing up.....
i want to blame it on everything else.......i could try.......maybe the fact that i was annoyed because my boyfriend did come home early so i could go to my treatment, and, i knew when i left, on would come the t.v. with the porn......we just got our cable bill $500....over $100 in porn flicks..........that he doesnt watch with me........and it hurts me.....it really does.....
he was hardly ever home.....til this week....all the sudden, he is starting to be home alot......it's weird.......he was always "at work", working late, leaving early (yes, i know what those are signs of)....and i am usually always crying over stuff he's done.........leaving me stuck here all day without a car....then getting home late....then being broke when he should have money......and i finally quit whining and crying so much and complaining.......i think he found an email i wrote to my cousin.......i asked her where i could go to chat.......that i get so lonely being here all alone all the time.....waiting on him...and he is always getting home late....usually not even calling........
and then we had been getting into these huge fights.....i'm breaking stuff....because i get so frustrated with him.....i keep trying because he keeps insisting that he loves me and i'm the only one and all this stuff......and i keep believing him.....anyways......i feel like i'm whining........and i am .......i dont' like to write this for everyone to see.......but then again, i feel like, this is really my life....and i'm embarassed.....it shouldn't be like this.....i know it shouldn't.......i know i shouldn't put up with "Tim" (boyfriend) - his crap.........but i do....i almost have to.....i depend on him......i'm not working.......and i want to say i love him but i feel so stupid....saying that........because i know that i'm not really sure of that.........i mean, that can't be love.......the way he does me, leaving me here - all day - not calling.....then always.....i mean, always some big excuse.......i would never do him the way he does me........
i'm scared. i think that what it is......because i realize tim is not who i thought he was. and its like i learned in Nexus......UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS......Why do i expect so much from him when all along, he has shown me who he is.......and i want to play like he is someone else....like what is happening ...is not happening.......i am constantly lying to my family about where he is....because i don't want them to know.....he isn't home yet AGAIN.
Dear God, please help me.......please help me to face these problems.....please help me to find some support.....please help me to make good decisions. and please help me to be thankful....for i know, even though i feel i am nowhere......i am blessed in many ways.
if i were an outsider looking in, i would just shake my head......or actually, what i would do, is get on my high horse and just have to write a message and talk about having responsibility and isnt it time to grow up....and don't sit there and whine and act like ....blah ....blah....blah.....
so, then i came home.......and my boyfriend wanted $10 .....of the $100 he gave me earlier.......and, of course, there you go......i had to tell him of the stupid thing i did. now, why did i do that???? i'm always getting on to him about wasting money at the gameroom - just last night i gave him the lecture.........and usually i dont go in the gameroom except for the $10 i am going to spend.....otherwise, this happens.
what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to fuck up everything i have, everything i do, everything i am. i know better and i do it anyways. really, shit, i can't even seem to blog........i've been writing and sharing all this shit.....about being fucking addicted.....and I cant even obviously send it out to get any responses or anything else....what there are millions of people out there and i can't even find a fucking friend or someone to talk to out of all the thousands of people...........
i hate me right now.....i really do......i really do.....starting to feel stupid, worthless and stupid........
where's my backbone????? i have none.
why do i do the things i do????? i just don't understand....i really don't. my nails still look like shit......i could have had them done and here i am........;i must get fucking something out of it......or else why do i keep my screwing up.....
i want to blame it on everything else.......i could try.......maybe the fact that i was annoyed because my boyfriend did come home early so i could go to my treatment, and, i knew when i left, on would come the t.v. with the porn......we just got our cable bill $500....over $100 in porn flicks..........that he doesnt watch with me........and it hurts me.....it really does.....
he was hardly ever home.....til this week....all the sudden, he is starting to be home alot......it's weird.......he was always "at work", working late, leaving early (yes, i know what those are signs of)....and i am usually always crying over stuff he's done.........leaving me stuck here all day without a car....then getting home late....then being broke when he should have money......and i finally quit whining and crying so much and complaining.......i think he found an email i wrote to my cousin.......i asked her where i could go to chat.......that i get so lonely being here all alone all the time.....waiting on him...and he is always getting home late....usually not even calling........
and then we had been getting into these huge fights.....i'm breaking stuff....because i get so frustrated with him.....i keep trying because he keeps insisting that he loves me and i'm the only one and all this stuff......and i keep believing him.....anyways......i feel like i'm whining........and i am .......i dont' like to write this for everyone to see.......but then again, i feel like, this is really my life....and i'm embarassed.....it shouldn't be like this.....i know it shouldn't.......i know i shouldn't put up with "Tim" (boyfriend) - his crap.........but i do....i almost have to.....i depend on him......i'm not working.......and i want to say i love him but i feel so stupid....saying that........because i know that i'm not really sure of that.........i mean, that can't be love.......the way he does me, leaving me here - all day - not calling.....then always.....i mean, always some big excuse.......i would never do him the way he does me........
i'm scared. i think that what it is......because i realize tim is not who i thought he was. and its like i learned in Nexus......UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS......Why do i expect so much from him when all along, he has shown me who he is.......and i want to play like he is someone else....like what is happening ...is not happening.......i am constantly lying to my family about where he is....because i don't want them to know.....he isn't home yet AGAIN.
Dear God, please help me.......please help me to face these problems.....please help me to find some support.....please help me to make good decisions. and please help me to be thankful....for i know, even though i feel i am nowhere......i am blessed in many ways.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Loving ME
Loving me - what a concept. I get so down on myself every day for not being the person that I know I can be.....for not being all can be.
It seems that once I was on top of the world. And, I loved life. I promised myself I would never become one of those bitter people. You know the type, the 45 year old woman who goes on about how men suck....all men suck......and how unhappy she is...and how unfair life is.....and no matter what you say to this person - they are going to be unhappy.
Well, guess what I've become - that bitter person.
When I was younger, in my 20's and 30's, I was always open to taking risk, trying new things, even if I thought I couldn't, I would try. Looking back, there are so many experience I would not have had, if I did not have an open mind and be willing to take risks. But then, again, there's so many things (a secure career for one) that I would have, if I had not been so fighty and taken risks.
I find myself now, age 45 - unemployed. I find myself now - in a relationship with someone -I'm not so sure I should be in one with. I find myself - not knowing ME. And not knowing where to turn, what to do, who to ask. I find myself.....like right now.....trying to figure out a way to meet others - not so much in person - but to get a feel for what others think, feel - I don't even exactly know.......all I do know is there is so much I am uncertain of right now.....that I sure could use a little insight from others....who have been there or are going through similar experiences.........
there are so many things I want to change about myself and my life.....but I don't know how.....and then, I can't help but wonder.....do I really want to change.....which, I am pretty sure the answer is yes.....but if I want to change so bad.....then, how come I stay the way I am.......?????????
METH addiction - there we go.....let's just throw that one right on out there in front ....because that is a biggie.........addiction.......what a fucking something.....i don't even know what to call it....except maybe ....my best friend, my worst enemy, the one who wakes me up in the morn, gives me umph.....the one who depresses me......the one i want to be with......the one i want to be without...........
can't seem to live with and can't seem to live without it.........it runs and ruins my life........basically the reason i am unemployed right now......oh, i have many skills, i type pretty fast, accurately too........
i had something happen in my life in 2004 - a death - I didn't take very well, i took using to a whole new level.....i just wanted to forget everything....a lot of other things happened between my mother and me......and custody of my child.........................and instead of straightening up.....i went more downhill.................................i was scared.....i didnt know what to do......and the new guy i hooked up.............who i thought was on my side.................he wasnt ................he was only interested in the money i had acquired from the death in my family.......................i found this out when "we" had gone through all the money, had nothing left.,..............and i went to rehab (my only hope"............of course, he wasn t there for me when i got out.................and he had been very busy while i had been in rehab..........pawning all my stuff before i got out..................
anyways, this is not meant to be a whining ..........i guess i am just looking for answers. the addiction thing has got me down. yesterday, however, I did go check out this clinical trials thing for a new drug to stop the cravings........i am hoping it will help me.....
i do want to be different...................so many people i know that say.....i like using...why would i want to stop...........well, i "used" to like using.....why would i want to stop????? so, i could get/keep a job.........so "I" could be in control of my sleeping times............so I could get up in the morning and do what I need to do ...................and not HAVE TO HAVE DOPE just to get up.........so I would not have to live day to day (money) .....have some security(money-savings).......................so my kids could look me in the eyes and be happy I was doing better........oh, so many reasons..........
so i could look at myself in the mirror and smile.......
I am going to be able to do that soon........i will. I got involved with this guy - about a year ago.....he looked and seemed like a nice guy - and he is..........problem.....he does meth too........of course, we hooked up.........
speaking of meth so much.......i think i'll go smoke a little.......now, that's sad, isn't it?
It seems that once I was on top of the world. And, I loved life. I promised myself I would never become one of those bitter people. You know the type, the 45 year old woman who goes on about how men suck....all men suck......and how unhappy she is...and how unfair life is.....and no matter what you say to this person - they are going to be unhappy.
Well, guess what I've become - that bitter person.
When I was younger, in my 20's and 30's, I was always open to taking risk, trying new things, even if I thought I couldn't, I would try. Looking back, there are so many experience I would not have had, if I did not have an open mind and be willing to take risks. But then, again, there's so many things (a secure career for one) that I would have, if I had not been so fighty and taken risks.
I find myself now, age 45 - unemployed. I find myself now - in a relationship with someone -I'm not so sure I should be in one with. I find myself - not knowing ME. And not knowing where to turn, what to do, who to ask. I find myself.....like right now.....trying to figure out a way to meet others - not so much in person - but to get a feel for what others think, feel - I don't even exactly know.......all I do know is there is so much I am uncertain of right now.....that I sure could use a little insight from others....who have been there or are going through similar experiences.........
there are so many things I want to change about myself and my life.....but I don't know how.....and then, I can't help but wonder.....do I really want to change.....which, I am pretty sure the answer is yes.....but if I want to change so bad.....then, how come I stay the way I am.......?????????
METH addiction - there we go.....let's just throw that one right on out there in front ....because that is a biggie.........addiction.......what a fucking something.....i don't even know what to call it....except maybe ....my best friend, my worst enemy, the one who wakes me up in the morn, gives me umph.....the one who depresses me......the one i want to be with......the one i want to be without...........
can't seem to live with and can't seem to live without it.........it runs and ruins my life........basically the reason i am unemployed right now......oh, i have many skills, i type pretty fast, accurately too........
i had something happen in my life in 2004 - a death - I didn't take very well, i took using to a whole new level.....i just wanted to forget everything....a lot of other things happened between my mother and me......and custody of my child.........................and instead of straightening up.....i went more downhill.................................i was scared.....i didnt know what to do......and the new guy i hooked up.............who i thought was on my side.................he wasnt ................he was only interested in the money i had acquired from the death in my family.......................i found this out when "we" had gone through all the money, had nothing left.,..............and i went to rehab (my only hope"............of course, he wasn t there for me when i got out.................and he had been very busy while i had been in rehab..........pawning all my stuff before i got out..................
anyways, this is not meant to be a whining ..........i guess i am just looking for answers. the addiction thing has got me down. yesterday, however, I did go check out this clinical trials thing for a new drug to stop the cravings........i am hoping it will help me.....
i do want to be different...................so many people i know that say.....i like using...why would i want to stop...........well, i "used" to like using.....why would i want to stop????? so, i could get/keep a job.........so "I" could be in control of my sleeping times............so I could get up in the morning and do what I need to do ...................and not HAVE TO HAVE DOPE just to get up.........so I would not have to live day to day (money) .....have some security(money-savings).......................so my kids could look me in the eyes and be happy I was doing better........oh, so many reasons..........
so i could look at myself in the mirror and smile.......
I am going to be able to do that soon........i will. I got involved with this guy - about a year ago.....he looked and seemed like a nice guy - and he is..........problem.....he does meth too........of course, we hooked up.........
speaking of meth so much.......i think i'll go smoke a little.......now, that's sad, isn't it?
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